i am sitting here, at home tonight,when i really should be at the Polo with Levi.

I hate this.

Tonight the boy,beautifulson and Levi (and probably some others) are at the Polo...cutesmile is up visiting you see...I so want to be there. But instead i spent 2 hours in church for my little sisters confirmation..which i didn't mind.Then we came home and a couple of my relatives came over as well.Levi said to get in touch with her at about 10..so i did under the pretence that i was calling the boy.I called basically to say i couldn't go out...she wanted me to so much..i probably didn't sound like i wanted to..she asked me if i'd even asked my mum if i could go out.I said no.I think she takes that as me not trying,or not caring but it couldn't be further from the truth.It's just that I know my mum.And yes levi,i know that if it weren't for you pushing for me to ask her things then i might never get to go out but still..tonight wasn't the time.The family hardly ever come over anymore and it was a special occassion type of thing for my sis..i couldn't ask to go out,not tonight.

But anyway..when i got off the phone..saying that i couldn't go, i felt so bad...so guilty...and i did ask and she(mum) gave me a look which mean 'no way' and said..at this time?..i said hmm...yeah i know...and left it at that.

So instead of being there with her sipping cocktails,stealing kisses and whispers..meeting cutesmile....laughing with boy and the son..i'm here,being depressed and pissed off with myself for being so ineffectual..so..weak,as usual.

I know i've been easily irritated lately...i think it's because i'm not quite sure what i'm s'posed to be feeling,or thinking or doing.I'm not sure who i am.

In one sense i think i should be doing what i am doing,which is getting on with things,not making a fuss...and then another part of me says by doing that i'm just leaving everything up in the air...thinking things will sort themselves out,which they won't.I feel guilty when I see Levi because of how my parents feel..yet i know it's not me who is wrong,it's them.It ends up working it's way into OUR relationship too...Levi asked me what was going on yesterday,she even asked if i DID want to take a break.I said no of course.That is the last thing i want right now.But i do want to take a break from having to think.I think far too much,i always have done.I don't think i ever really say to people what i'm thinking though,which is probably where the problem arises...but then other times,like with Levi..there isn't a problem...maybe i'm just having a bad day,for no reason at all,like people do..but because i do so much thinking,she thinks there's some deep rooted reason for it and asks until i finally come up with something..kinda like creating a problem when maybe there really isn't one...but then again..maybe the thing i came up with was the problem in the first place and i was just trying not to think about it.

See what i mean?!!!I even think about stuff that i might have tried not to think about!

In saying all that though,a certain amount of thinking has to be done..cos otherwise things would just fall into irrepearable damage. The response which annoys me most from Levi is when she says 'fuck it'. I'll say i can't do something..usually for a good reason..i hope she knows that it's not cos i don't want to see her,it's just that i actually CAN'T and she'll say 'just fuck it' (meaning the reason) and as i told her last night..i can't just fuck it..cos it's my life,and that is fucked up enough as it is without deliberatley fucking it.

Aw god..i'm so confused about everything,i spend so much time trying to work it out that i get even more confused.I hate this.I need a break from being in my head.

I just want to say sorry to Levi especially..and to anyone else who has been affected by my state of mind recentley..I'm sorry...it won't always be like this.I'll get the other happy chick back soon.Promise.