today i did something i've wated to do for a long time.

After my day at uni had finished and i'd managed to spend a rushed 20 minutes or so with Levi over lunch,I got on the underground and headed into town with a very clear idea of where i was going and what i was going to do.

I got off the underground and walked into Waterstones, a pretty big bookstore ..headed to the first floor and looked around.

I couldn't see what i was looking for..my mum had said she couldn't see it the last time she was in either....I s'pose it's her mentioning it that prompted me to go today.

So i looked around the 1st floor..then the ground,the basement,the gallery etc etc..and couldn't find it.So i went back to the 1st floor.

I looked around for someone friendly and came up with a man,probably about mid 40s,slightly balding,glasses,kinda skinny...had a vaguely..well,gay look about him..he was standing quite close when i said "sorry,excuse me...could you tell me where the gay and lesbian section has moved to?"..(see how i made it look as if i was an old hand by implying that i knew it had moved?!)...I was so sure the words were gonna seem really loud when i said them...the rest of the store was silent...but once i started the sentence it was fine..in fact it felt really good..being out to this total stranger....i hate this word,but it felt liberating.

He looked at me and this big smile appeared on his face..he said "yeah sure it's just round there...i have to go over anyway..." and followed me round the corner...

I started looking at stuff...kinda keeping my distance at first....the man was tydying stuff in the section beside me...he said "sorry it's a bit of a mess...we've just moved it...that's why the signs aren't up yet..and there isn't enough shelf space for the books..there's some on the floor just there...but the ones you're looking for should be just here...(indicating the lesbian section) well...(big smile) I'll leave you to it"

For some reason i think i made that man happy by asking him...I think i chose the right person to ask.

So i looked at the books...looking for a support guide for parents or something,that's why my mum jknew the section had moved..she went in earlier in the week and looked for it.I'm so proud of her for making that effort...she want to ask anyone thought when she couldn't find it and i don't blame her for that at all.

so I looked..i knew some of the titles i was looking for..but i couldn't find them..not one..and i got kinda side-tracked by the fiction...and other more interesting looking books.Finally i reached out and picked something up.I can't even remember what now..but i once i did that i just kept picking things up..i must've spent ages just looking..browsing. Another woman came and stood behind me...but kept one foot in the other section..as if she could have been looking at either..i think she was kinda afraid to pick things up..I know i've been there...picking things up from the 'normal' fiction section while my eyes have been looking at other things.

So i didn't find anything for my mum...i left the shop..it was still raining outside and i was on a roll,so i headed for Borders.

I don't like the section in there that much really...it's inbetween sex guides and erotica..which there's nothing wrong with..just makes it look as if you're there for soft porn and not books that's all.

There was one guy there already...he wore a cap and kept his head down..leaving shortly after i arrived...

They need a bigger gay section in that shop..i don't mean more books..just more space.. it was kinda crammed when another 2 women came over...a couple more guys..then another woman.. then there were also like 3 straight men just looking at the sex guides eg: How to make great love to a woman (that title is also in the lesbian section..but it still has a man and woman on the front..what's the point in that?!)

At one point it was just me and one other woman..she looked for a while..at both the books..and me (which was weird)..she picked up a book from the lesbian erotica shelf and kinda gave me a side glance...i didn't respond...she did the same again...I did the same again....she left.

Anyway..i dind't find a book for my mum..and i didn't buy anything for me...I didn't quite get to that stage yet..besides I have no where to keep anything like that,what with sharing my room with my little sis an things.

Just outside i met and old friend..he only 15 but he came out last summer..he was with a guy but he didn't introduce us...he asked me what i'd been looking for,and with knnowing he's gay it was so tempting to just tell him...but i didn't.I wanted to ,but i just didn't.If i told him it would be everywhere in no time.

So i got on the subway and came home..feeling quite pleased with myself...and hoping that next time Levi will come with me.

************************** I know Levi asks this in her diary but i thought i'd ask to for more responses.... just out of interest from what you've read of us both which one of us would you say is the femme and which one is the butch..if you believe in that kind of thing.Answers in the guestbook or in a mail.Thanks!