So things have continued to go really well of late. I've been mega busy at work but it's been good. I got to location/ floor manage my first shoot with audience last week and it went really well.. I think I surprised the managerial types by doing it and saying that I didn't need a floor manager to come on the shoot. The director called me a genius at the end of it so I think it went pretty well!

In other news I told M about the boy mark 1. I've been thinking of telling him for a while,especially since he has developed a bit of an obsession with him and how much he doesn't like him..even though he has only met him a few times. If he didn't mention him quite so much then maybe it could have gone away a bit but it was starting to feel like this big secret that i was going to have to keep from him forever.

My mind was made up when boy1 turned up at my door at 1 in the morning on Thursday night! He had sent me an email a couple of weeks ago asking for a favour (WTF???) and i hadn't replied. I've been way too busy with my own work to do his as well and besides i just didn't want to!

Anyway, thursday I'd been up since 5 in the morning coming back from the shoot. Went to work, went home for a nap and then went to girls night. I got in just before midnight and got a text from boy1 asking why i hadn't replied to his email. I decided that i would text him back in the morning. I didn't want to set him off as his ex, the friend,who we will now call E, gets back to Glasgow for good on Sunday so i didn't want to upset the balance. Things are already getting pretty ugly between them and she hasn't even been here. I didn't text back right away though as it was late and i didn't want to get into immediate replies and endless texts. So i went to bed.

Almost an hour later, just before 1 a.m., my doorbell rang. I wouldn't usually answer it but M had been out for drinks and I thought that maybe he'd gotten drunk, cycled as far as mine and thought he would surprise me. So i got up, picked up the receiver and said hello. 'Hi' was the reply, i knew that voice- without missing a beat I said ' no, you can't come in' and went back to my bedroom. I got into bed and sent the text that i would have sent in the morning thinking that he might go away once he'd had a reply. So i sent that I'd been really busy and away filming. As I sent it I got one from him just saying ' why not?' I let a few minutes pass and sent a reply saying that it was 1 in the morning and would he please go home. He then said that the time wasn't important, was i alone? He had some stuff he had to say. WTF could he possibly have to say that meant he thought it was reasonable to turn up in the middle of the night?! I then got another text saying 'come on, stop ignoring me, I'll ring till you talk to me'. I didn't reply for a bit but crept through to the kitchen to peek out of the window. I couldn't see him but heard a car door shut and saw him coming from that direction. I'd thought he must at least be really wasted but I'm pretty sure he came from the direction of the car....It was funny when i saw him- I thought back to a time when i'd have been pretty happy that he'd turned up unnanounced and now i just looked at him and thought- what was i doing?! I went back to bed and sent a text asking him to go home again, surely whatever he had to say could be said just as easily at another time and on the phone. He replied that i should tell him when was good for me and he'd make the time. I didn't reply. I went to sleep.

In the morning i got a text apologising for the doorstepping, saying it was uncalled for and that he'd heard something about me that night that just set him off. I replied that it was uncalled for- what had he heard? (my curiosirty got the better of me) He said that he was angry about how a lot of the past year had gone and what he heard felt like a real pisstake. I replied that that didn't really explain anything to which he said he didn't want to lose all of his ire in a text. What an arrogant reply!!! I said that i didn't know how to help him with that, that i didn't want to get into a discussion with him and could he please not turn up at my flat again. He said that he wouldn't and to ' put it down amongst the many ill-advised things that I've done. Sometimes I just have to shake my head at it all'. I didn't reply. I left it there.

I talked it all through with CA and she firstly thought that he was a mentalist and that it was quite a scary thing to do- turn up at someones flat and refuse to leave for over half an hour at that time of night. We wondered what it was that he'd heard. I haven't seen him since February except for once in passing. I might have slagged him off to a few people but only if they had started it- of course i was going to join in but hadn't said anything to anyone who didn't agree with me and nothing that they weren't already saying! I didn't not reply to his email because I'm still angry with him about anything. The truth is that i'm not and haven't been for a long time. I just don't want to be his friend and don't have anything to say to him. At the end of the day we slept together a few times, he treated me a bit badly and i betrayed a friend for it. If i was going to be angry at anyone it would be myself. I think about the situation with his ex but i don't really ever think about him.
I told C.A that that first thing I'd wanted to do was call M...but couldn't because I hadn't explained any of it to him and he'd be confused.. that was when i decided that i'd just have to tell him. Let it out there and see what happened.. It was becoming a secret about current events, not just things that happened almost a year ago. I couldn't not tell him that this was going on ..and in order to explain it I'd have to explain the whole thing. So all day at work I thought about how i was going to word it. And how I felt that it was really important for him to know everything because i didn't want to keep secrets from him, because I want this to go somwehere. And i thought about how much of a shame it would be to tell him all of this now, not knowing how he would react, when really all I've wanted to do for the past week is tell him ..that I love him. And instead i was going to tell him that I'd slept with the one guy he dislikes most and then he'd work out that he was the only other, and first, guy that i'd ever slept with..it felt like a big risk.

After work we went out for drinks with work people to a couple of bars, dinner at a Thai restaurant. We were both feeling tired quite early on in the night- a result of the long days during the week. So we got a taxi back to his and put on a dvd to veg out in front of. He was falling asleep and I was going to lose my nerve if i didn't do it then. He had stopped the dvd and was lying on the couch with his eyes closed, i was lying next to him and said that I had to talk to him about something. He asked if it could wait and i said not really. So he said ok, let's talk. He continued to lie on the couch with his eyes closed though..which actually made it a little easier. I sat up so that I was facing him and began. I said that I wanted to tell him something about the past that was probably the thing that I was least proud of. I hadn't thought that it was important for him to know before but i didn't want to have any secrets. I said that it felt like a risk because i didn't know how he would react and if it would make him think differently about me..that I hoped not..but that i had to tell him before it became this big secret between us. During all of this he kept his eyes closed and said 'ok' and nodded..so i just said it: ' OK, so..you know 'boy1'..well..before i met you..i slept with him. It was after he split up with E..she doesn't know it happened. No one else knows.' As i said this he kept his eyes closed and nodded and said 'ok' a few times and stroked my hair. He asked me why i had done it..and I told him in a round about way that I'd wanted to sleep with a guy and that i didn't think i would ever care about boy 1. I told him that when E had seen us kissing i'd gone on holiday the very next day and that when i came back he'd made out that everyone was more angry with me than him..to which M said ' Oh, Kim, you should know better than to listen to arseholes like him' I agreed and said that it still hadn't made it any easier to come back to work. I told him about turning up at my flat the other night and he said that i should have called him and he would have sorted it out..but he understood why i hadn't. He said he thought i should tell E when she comes back. I explained that i wanted to tell her but didn't want to hurt her. That i thought he might still tell her though to spite her, and me, at some point and that worried me. M said that that was the reason I should tell her, give her my side and stop boy1 from having any power over me and then he'd be out of my life. He said well done for having told him and pulled me in close and held me for a while, stroking my hair the whole time. I think it went just about as well as it could..and it felt like such a relief to finally have it out there. This makes me think that telling E really is the only way forward. Once she knows I don't have to worry about boy1 anymore- there's nothing that he can do to upset me..I still worry though that telling E will only make me feel better and more secure but will still hurt her..i'm hoping that she'll understand as she was me at one point- she started going out with him almost before he'd split up with the girl he was with at the time..E and that girl are now friends- bonded by how much of a cock he was to both of them.

We crawled into bed shortly after. M hasn't mentioned it again. I don't know what he thinks about it all but i do know that he held me close until we fell asleep and this morning we made love..and it all seemed the same and really good. I wondered whether he was thinking anything at all about me having slept with the boy. I thought that maybe i hadn't really explained the whole thing very well..and maybe he thought it had just happened the once as a drunken fumble..but I remembered saying that it turned out he'd been sleeping with someone else at the same time and M had said'..oh..he's that guy' I'd told him a version of the true story without the name of the guy once before.

This morning we got up early and watched the rest of last night's dvd, went for breakfast and walked to work together in the sun. He's gone through to Edinburgh tonight for a night out with his mates. He would usually invite me and I thought that i might be going with him. But he didn't invite me..so i might now be a tiny bit paranoid about that. But i'm sure it's just that it's a night out with old friends and he wants some time on his own which is of course perfectly normal and acceptable.
Before he left, as so many times this past week..maybe 2..we kissed and I looked at him and said it in my head. But not out loud. Not out loud yet. I see him looking at me in the same way..at least i think it's the same way..and wonder if he's thinking the same thing. I wonder if he's ever said it to anyone before and i think not because he's never been in a serious relationship. And i wonder if me saying it first would freak him out too much..or whether it would open the door for him to be able to say it too.
But one thing is for sure..no matter what happens about telling E or not and the consequences of that, I've now at least told M and there are no more secrets or fragile-lies. And i wouldn't have felt entirely right about saying it without him knowing everything.And now he does and..and i do.