And last night we had coffee together. The first time we've actually spent any time together in over a week. The first time we've actually seen each other since last Wednesday at work. He rang asking if I had a work document and could he come round and pick it up later. I was going to TKD but said that I'd take it to him on my way home, he was shopping for a snowboarding jacket. I don't believe that he didn't already have the document in question. It would be very very out of character..but then again, the rest of this tale is as well�

When I arrived at the store he was on the phone to his mortgage advisor and was making apologetic faces and excitedly trying to show me the jacket he liked. He was so cute. I tried to play it a bit cool and left him to his conversation while I went to look at the women's section. When he was done he came over and apologised about the phone call. Asked me what I thought of the jacket, showed me how it had a zip off 'second' jacket inside. It was silvery and I laughed and said he looked like a space man and touched his arm, just a reflex action. He walked about with it on for a while, trying to decide since it was pretty expensive. He asked me again what I thought and stood behind me, gave my shoulders a squeeze and put his head on my shoulder for a minute. I told him to go for it. He was having trouble with the zip and it was all I could do to stop myself from helping him with it.

I had an hour and a half before tkd and he asked if I wanted to go for coffee. So I drove him to a little place that I like near to the shop we were at. He had no idea where we were, it was funny. We just sat and had coffee and chatted about this and that for an hour. He asked how on earth I'd been single for so 2.5 years before I met him. Asked what I'd done with those years. And I told him about buying the flat and the interludes with the crazy no butterflies girl and the nights of my cries of 'gin and wine at mine!'. And he asked where boy 1 fitted in. And when I'd decided I liked boys. Real questions about real things, an important conversation in a way because he was actually learning things about me and I had to let him in a little. He sat across from me and listened and looked at me in a way I'm not sure I've seen from him before.

Time came for me to go and we got back in the car and I dropped him off at the supermarket near his place. He lingered for a bit before getting out of the car, just looking at me. Put his hand on the back of my neck and kissed my cheek. It could so easily have turned into a kiss and both of us stopped in that position for a second. I kissed him on the cheek and he laughed and got out of the car.

I drove to tkd half smiling, wondering what it all meant. Tkd was great. So good to be back after 4 weeks away. I managed to kick to at least the instructors head height and he's not a small guy. I was very pleased with myself.

I went home and called my mum, told her about the coffee. She thought it was interesting.wondered what it meant as well.

And so I'm sitting on the couch, watching telly at around 11 and my phone rings. It's M. He exclaims that he could have gotten a 10% discount on the jacket and I laugh at him and ask if he's going to take it back and then immediately buy it again and ask for the discount. That's exactly what he's going to do. We laugh for a minute and then he says ' So I've got a problem' and I ask ' which one this time?' since he's been asking me about so many things lately. I think it's about the mortgage, or the jacket, or work..or something. And then he says ' you know how I said that I needed time and everything?' and I say ' ye-es' ' Well..the thing is..that it's just not working really.. because..the thing is..I miss you like hell. Sitting with you tonight..i just miss everything about you. ..So I was wondering..if you might be ammenable to..maybe..you know�going out or something..again' And I laugh and say..hmm? Sorry? What was that?.. And he laughs. And says it again ' I just miss you..and I just want, well, you really. I just really want you'. And typing it now it looks like something Hugh Grant might say in Richard Curtis movie.

And so I made noises as if I was thinking about it and told him we'd just have to see how it went. And he said�'yes that's fine,I mean only if you want to. But I'd like to. And if it goes well then maybe we can have a second date..and then maybe a third�'

And I told him he was weird and he said something about me being an ex-lesbian and it wasn't meant in a bad way and we had a laugh about it. And then he asked if I ever thought about having kids and what I would tell them..like in a first love kind of way..mum's love life as a youngster.. Would I want to tell them? And I said that I'd thought about it a lot and although I'd have to take into account the, um, dad's opinion. I wouldn�t want to lie about it and have to make someone up..or change the name because it changes the whole story. And he said that he guessed since it wasn't something that I should be ashamed of that it wouldn't be something to hide from them..and we talked for a bit about whether the kids would always be brought up with knowing that mummy had liked girls as well as boys..and we moved on to whether it ever made me feel akward and I told him that only when I was around other gay people or when the conversation turned that way because I'm used to engaging in that on a different level. He was having trouble following so I likened it to the way that if you're, say, black you have a certain licence to make 'black jokes' or say things about black people that a white person wouldn't get away with saying. Also it's a part of my history that I sometimes feel I can't share..the whole pronoun issue..because when you're a lesbian and everyone knows you as a lesbian then that's just out in the open. But when you're with a guy that whole part of you becomes invisible again.

It was the first time that we'd ever talked about it properly on a real level and it was good. It meant that he'd been thinking about it�about me in terms of , well, children..in the long term.. It feels like we're actually ready to get to know each other properly. It's like something has clicked in him, he's more curious, more engaged, more open.

And tonight we're going on a date. I saw him for 5 minutes earlier. And the butterflies are still there.

I just hope that it's not rushing things..and that he's actually ready and that I shouldn't be telling him to take more time. But he's big enough to make his own decisions, right? And we'll take it slowly..and see how it goes.

He hasn't spoken to me face to face about all these feelings he's recently discovered..only on the phone. And I kind of want him to say it in person because it's like it's not real sometimes. Yesterday, before I saw him, I actually wondered for a minute if I'd just dreamt the conversation we had on the phone last Friday..but so far it seems to be real.

Here we go again.